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Hello. Four years ago I was the victim of domestic violence. I was sexually assaulted and raped on an almost daily basis by a man I thought loved me, and the most devasting part was that he made my reality so twisted, it took me a year after it was over to realise it wasn't my fault and it was actually rape.To live through that and believe wholeheartedly that the pain and misery was your own fault and that you should have done something different and then be told that it doesn't matter if he said he loved you, it doesn't matter that you said he could share your bed or life, it doesn't matter that you said you'd start a relationship; it's still rape. To realise that just because you started a relationship with someone doesn't give them the right to your body 24/7, even when you're asleep...is hard to accept at first. But I am starting to.
I am starting a new chapter in my life, and am looking for some help to make it brighter a little sooner.I have a wonderful fiance and beautiful daughter and joined Slimming World, having so far lost nearly 4st. I started counselling at the beginning of the year at a RapeCrisis centre, and a few months ago finally took my case to the police to get, if not justice, at least some kind of closure. But it's difficult.I am still living in the home where the abuse happened. I still have to walk past the areas of my home that are tainted with memories of pain and betrayal. I can no longer enter the bedroom, and we sold the bed months ago and have since been sleeping on the pull out sofa bed in the living room. I am on antidepressants and sleeping pills and most days have to fit off anxiety attacks, dizzy spells and violent flashbacks, that recently left me in such shock I was physically sick and temporarily passed out.
I plan to take my life back. I want to look to each day and see the sunshine and joy it could bring, not the darkness and pain I've endured. I need a fresh start, a new home for our family, a space to find myself and begin to love myself.In 2016 I am signing myself up for 5 races, totalling 36K and I am asking you to sponser me to finish each one. I'm not asking for hand outs and charity for the pain I've lived through and to move on - instead I am asking you all to encourage me to face each new challenge with the determination to finish, to add another achievement and victory to my heart.
I will of course be setting up justgiving pages for each race as they come up to raise bundles of monies for those much more deserving than myself (in my own opinion) and I fully support your decision to donate to them instead of me - after all I don't believe I deserve help; part of me still believe the abuse was all my own fault and therefore why should I get help to move on from it?! I hope that above all else you do what you feel is right, what you are comfortable with. Please don't send me abuse or hurtful messages for asking for help; I've had enough sucidal trials to fight through this year.
My target is a simply £10 - a weeks rent to remain in this 'home'. If you believe I deserve more and I raise enough I could afford to take my daughter out for the day, away from the darkness within our home. If my story touches enough people we could maybe even achieve our dream; a new home.
Thank you for reading, have a wonderful day x
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